In one respect, looking out for your own sense of worth dictates that, and pardon the 80's pop culture reference here, "NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER!"

You don't want to spend your last semesters of college pining away for the unavailable object of your desire, simply because she values the opinions of her friends more than her own internal, independent voice of love and reason.

On the other hand, patience is a virtue, and coming out is a hard process, in college and any other time in life. If her friends are being disrespectful of her choices, she may very well feel like her entire system of support is threatened by your relationship and that might be a bit much for her. Supporting her through that, even from a respectful distance, might be right up your alley.

But, personally, I think you're 21, living the last days of the last group-educational experience of your lifetime -- your fake i.d. is in a sock drawer 'cuz the world is your dyke bar now that you're legal, and life is so much shorter than you think it is.

I say -- break. And break on your terms, as well as hers. She doesn't get to set all the groundrules. If you love her, and you want to maintain a connection that might eventually bring you two back together, you can communicate, compromise -- Have the hard discussions to set boundaries on what it's ok to do with other people, and what will be grounds for permanent break-up, and how often and in what fashion you two will see each other while you're on this 'break.'

If you want this to work for the long-term, give her the space she needs to get comfortable with the idea of being out, learning how to stand up for herself against bigotry, and learning how to deal with hard stuff within the boundaries of a relationship. But also remember that you are an equal half of this equation and you get to have some of the things YOU want and need, too. If she can't communicate and compromise with you, then you have your answer. Best of luck!

Diva

Now, down to business.

One of the Leo's gifts is communication. Moreso, congruent communication. This means that, for a lot (though not all) Leos, there is little pause between self-knowing and self-expression. In laymans terms (though, mighty Leo, we know you don't need them - but put up with it so those of us who don't know can understand) ;) - this means, very simply, that you know yourself, you know how you feel about things almost instantly as they happen, and you're very good at TALKING about how that feels to you.

What's important to remember, Leo, is that this is not as common as one might think. (Yes, another way that you're rare and precious)

The Taurus is stoic and stubborn, and in some ways, blessedly simplistic. Patient and reliable, warmhearted and loving...A rock. What this can mean is that, for Leo, who sees the world in fiery reds and oranges, with endless possibilities and plummeting depths to be explored -- the Taurus' slow and steady earth-toned strides towards both heights and depths, can seem frustrating.

If she communicates with you well from a distance, let that happen. She might be slow to warm up in person, but that doesn't mean that anything is wrong. It may just mean that you, in your glorious presence, are overwhelming. Or that she has a larger spread of priorities than you do at this moment, and hasn't the energy she needs to push herself to as many layers of intimacy as you're ready for.

Patience with your prey, mighty Lion. If you note no progress in a reasonable amount of time, revisit. For now, do what you can to enjoy her on the level she's present and see where that takes you!

Rawr!
Diva

2 clicks into a Google.com search for "lesbian louiseville ky" I found this! A few clicks more and I found this!

Be resourceful. Think outside the box. Volunteer. If Louisville isn't the most progressive KY town, take a road trip come the weekend and branch out. Don't get sad, Get Laid! ;)

Don't forget the KY, KY! (And gloves, too!)
Diva

SO, first things first. You ask for signs to look for -- well babycakes, you knew all along. We do that a lot, don't we? Talk ourselves out of our instincts because we want the reverse so badly to be true? It's a damn fool of a thing to do, but it's human nature, and we all do it now and again.

So what we have here, sweet pea, is a case of sweet naiveté coupled with a basic lack of faith of self. That combo is going to get you hurt. So, to fix this, we get to make you stronger!

Get out your mental rolodex and crawl into a long hot bath. Light some candles, put on some music (no words - calm, instrumental) and spend an evening going through all of those "I should have known better" moments. I bet you a whole ten dollars that, more often than not, you actually did know better. Think back to the first interactions with the folks who 'dun you wrong.' Think back to that little voice in your head that said "Ooooh, girl. Watch out for this one." Think back to those little red flags waving in the foreground. And then think back on those subtle ways you sabotaged yourself by justifying wrong actions on the behalf of others, or applying several interpretations of a word or a deed, so much so that you lost track of the truth.

We all have a basic survival instinct, and it kicks in emotionally as well as physically. Our subconscious recognizes danger before our conscious mind is able. Those "something's not right" feelings are exactly that. A warning from your unconscious mind that this is not the safest place for you to be. I'm not saying never to question it. Sometimes we can learn a lot by going, eyes wide open, into a situation that isn't exactly the safest. But the trick is to go in with awareness. Blinding yourself so you can make-believe the best-case scenario is only shooting yourself in the foot. Think. Listen. Feel. And then, with all that data together, Decide.

Assholes come in all shapes, sizes and genders. So do beautiful people. No entire gender will ever fit into any stereotype. One woman's actions shouldn't scare you off the whole sex. Neither should one man's. Trust yourself to make wise decisions. Listen to your head, heart and instinct. You'll be just fine if you do that.

There, there now. Off you go.

Diva

What we've got here is you, dissatisfied in your marriage. At the core of this issue isn't a question of your sexuality. It's a question of your level of satisfaction and commitment inside this relationship with your husband.

If you were satisfied in your marriage, sure your head would turn now and then, a stray bathtime fantasy or two, even a light crush once in a while - but it wouldn't get to the point where you actually felt like there was a hole in you somewhere aching for some paydirt.

What you need to do is put away the dream lover for a second and sit back and figure out what it is you're missing inside this relationship. You made a commitment, and call me old skool, but I do believe that relationships at least deserve some quiet consideration in the midst of the chaos that is life, change, growth, curiosity, etc.. Ask yourself, and him, hard questions. What needs aren't being filled? Can you fill them together? Are your needs so outside him that you really aren't where you need to be? Are you just bored? Are there emotional needs not being met or is it purely sexual? If it's sexual, can you spice it up? Do you want to?

If it turns out that this really is a question of your sexuality and you're feeling like you can't connect to a man, or even just this man specifically, in a way that is fulfilling enough for you, then you can ask some different questions. Is there any chance for exploration of a polyamorous dynamic between yourself and your husband? Are there ways to explore this together in a way that is comfortable for the both of you? Are you sure enough about your desires that it's worth the risk of losing him?

We don't always get everything we want, babydoll. But we should never settle for less than we are capable of. Only you know the depths of love you are capable of. And only you know how far short this is falling, and how much hope there might be for deepening. If you've hit a wall, bail now. If you can keep digging, give that a shot. Either way, remember to strive for wholeness. (Not hole-ness.)

HA! I kill me.

Diva

Communication obviously isn't a strong suit between you or you would have brought this up with her yourself. Instead, you are both pretending that nothing's wrong -- and there's a huge elephant, with a clown-hat, red rubber nose and big floppy shoes juggling monkeys in the room with you, and you two just walk right on around it on your way for a sleepy midnight snack.

So, where, in all these lies, is the truth of your love for one another? What are you holding on to? Let's go, sweetness. Let go.

I talk about my girlfriend and my relationship all the time in my mom and my weekly chats so I am not ignoring the fact that my rlshp does exist. (Her comeback is usually an argument or stone cold silence.) I want to continue staying strong and stick up for my relationship and myself but, at the same time, I love my mom and don't want to hurt her. I feel like I am going to have to make some tough decisions and ultimatums regarding upcoming situations and I don't want to do that. Do you have any advice on how I can get my mom to come around - to at least respect me and my relationship? I am not looking for overwhelming support or acceptance, just common decency! (She is not the "read a pamphlet on how to accept your gay daughter" type of woman, either). Please help!

First, congratulations on a loving and relatively long-term relationship! It's fan-flippin-tastic that you have something worth fighting for. Here's to you two. *clink*

Second, it's obvious that your Mom has some incredibly deep-seated issues around sexuality. I'm guessing that she's a religious woman. That's the hardest bit to combat - that ingrained, entrenched, hammered-in dogma that completely overrides logic and emotion when dealing with 'moral' issues.

So here's where I'm going to turn the tables, sweets.

You absolutely cannot dictate another's behavior or reactions. We just don't have that authority. Lord knows if we did, Bush would be leering at the pretzel bowl from a seedy Texas barstool by now.

All you can do is make YOUR live livable. And to do this, you need to make whatever concessions, compromises or - worst case - exclusions, to ensure that your joyfulness is protected!

You have to understand that your Mom's behavior is hurting her as well. By behaving in this way, she's effectively excluding herself from a major piece of your life. If she didn't love you, her reaction to this wouldn't be as strong, so you can take for granted that she's suffering from her own behavior.

The ideal scenario would be for you to come at your mother's behavior from a place of compassion. To forgive her for her judgement by understanding that this is part of her CORE BELIEF SYSTEM. This is a piece of her that's likely been instilled in her from birth. That doesn't change overnight.

So by you forgiving her for this behavior, you will find a bit of peace inside you that might steel you from her attacks (or silence.) You are a good person, and by showing her love even against the tide of her judgement, in the long-term, I absolutely believe this will have an effect on her. She will see that you are kind and loving and good as a whole and it will help her learn to respect your choices, or at least treat you with kindness regardless of her feelings about your sexuality.

As for the short-term - the trips, the wedding. Go. Bring your partner. If you have to stay at a hotel to find some peace instead of staying with your family, do so. Bring your partner to the wedding. Be kind, loving and gentle. If your mother refuses to acknowledge her, let her. But make sure she acknowledges YOU. And if your mother wants to see you, spend time with her, even if it means leaving your partner on her own for a few hours. Meet your mother where she is. For now.

You have the choice to make this a non-issue for yourself, and let it be her issue alone. You have to decide what's important -- a relationship (at all) with your mother, or having your mother accept your relationship. Since you can't control the second, I suggest focusing on the first. Ultimatums never work. They just drive the wedge in further.

Give her time and show her love. She'll come around or she won't. But you can choose to be happy inside this situation regardless!

Best of luck and big loving mama bearhugs!

Diva

Why have the rules changed now? Talk about irony. We spend half our fertile lives before we're mature enough to know who we are and what we want trying NOT to get pregnant and the other half trying desperately trying to. Sometimes, life sucks!

Now, to address your problem. You mentioned that the men you are coming to for help (sperm) are "together"... that might be your problem. You are comparing the men you are approaching with the men you dated... I'm assuming that you haven't dated men for awhile, and have grown up a bit since then. Well, m'darlin, so have the men.

As odd as it seems, men also have biological clocks and desires to form families and have children of their own. The situation you are describing can be scary for men.. Thoughts run through their minds like "What if the woman I marry has a problem with the fact that I have a child somewhere out there that isn't hers?" or "What if both women are killed in some freak accident... will I have to assume responsibility for the child?" or "What if someday I just can't stand knowing that somewhere out there, there's a person who's half of who I am.. will I be able to find him or her?" You see my point?

As in any situation, good comes with bad. The good of knowing your sperm donor can come with the bad of emotional attachments and unwanted feelings of responsibility. Now, I don't know what state you live in.. but in the state of California, there is a particular agency that has some stringent rules to help these problems be dealt with in ways that are beneficial to both the donor and the receivers. The donors.. mostly gay men, are only allowed to father three children through the agency. The donors have no rights, nor any responsibility towards the children.. but a year after the birth of the child, the agency will contact the receivers with the name and address of the donor to make a meeting possible. The donor will also be notified with the receivers name and address, thus making it possible for the donor to meet and form a relationship with the child if it is the wish of both parties. The child will also be able to meet his or her two other siblings if it is also the wish of all parties involved.

You may not live in California, but there are possibly similar agencies in your area. I suggest checking a few of them out. Knowledge isn't impregnation. If you are not open to this suggestion, I recommend you continue your search, and possibly with another gay couple. Gay male couples have no way of having children of their own, and if you are willing to consider a shared parental relationship, it's quite possible that you could find another couple and provide your child with that much more love and family.

I wish you both well and much happiness. However you choose to have a child, I know that it will be loved and cherished.

Take care!

Diva

What is most important to a successful and sane transition is your system of support. You've said that "everyone you've talked to" has encouraged you to transition early. What's important in that sentence is -- everyone has encouraged you to transition! That means that you have supportive friends who want to see you happy!

I don't think there is such a thing as "too late" - though it's never "too early" to be happy. Still, don't pressure yourself to jump into the pool before you've learned how to swim! Give yourself the basics before you dive.

1) Supportive Friends: It sounds like you have the makings of this already, but spend some time working on those friendships. Honor strong bonds, and work to enrich them. Deepen bonds that haven't been explored yet. Your friends will be a vital respite from anything scary that comes from your transitioning. A space to relax and be joyful amidst the flurry of changes inside and around you.

2) Find a therapist: this is vital - not only by law, but for your emotional well-being. Transitioning is a HUGE life change, and it will certainly bring up issues for you. You will likely find yourself angry - angry that you weren't able to simply be yourself. Angry at society for making this so hard. Angry at your body for not being what you wanted it to be all along. And sadness. And fear. And grief.

3) Find Peers: Finding other folks who are going through, or have gone through, the significant changes that you will be going through can be so comforting and reassuring. Finding your community is invaluable. Mentors, Peers and Friends. Family of choice. This is a beautiful gift to give yourself. People who know what it's like to be where you are and who can steer you through the blind spots and give you some light at the end of the tunnel.

And if the reality of transitioning is too scary for you right now - try emboldening yourself to walk the gender line. Make compromises. Work to make peace with the skin you're in and find ways to express yourself in less permanent ways. Give yourself a taste of what that other life would feel like. Maybe it will be enough. Maybe it won't. But at least you'll have taken a step towards finding your truth.

Whatever you do - do it with friends around you and it will be easier.

Good luck!

Diva

This can be a dangerous situation... and your chances are 50/50 of either happiness, or pain. I suppose that the best I can tell you is to feel out the situation for just a bit longer... get closer to him, become better friends,.. build a stronger foundation of the friendship before you disclose any feelings of a sexual nature.

This will do two things..

1) It will build that trust and love that comes with friendship, so if your feelings are not returned, you won't have to worry about him running off to tell everyone about your little "secret" before you are ready to tell everyone... and will also help you to keep the friendship through the discomfort if he isn't interested.

2) If he IS interested, it will allow you to have a stronger, deeper relationship with him.. with your friendship as the basis, and the lovers aspect as an addition rather than the main focus. There will come a time when you will know if it is the right moment to disclose your feelings. Trust your instincts rather than your hormones... it can be hard to distinguish between the two sometimes, but it's important to know the difference.

I wish you well.. and good luck!

Diva

Some of these people STILL refuse to believe that we are a couple who are in love with each other and will be forever. I guess my question is, how can we make these people stop bothering us?

It sounds as if you've made your love for each other quite obvious, what with the honesty of your words and the aggressive measures taken (i.e. the slap). And I must say it's heartwarming to hear of your commitment ceremony at MCC. Congratulations!

I can only give you one answer... If people refuse to accept your relationship with your lover.. then perhaps it's best to stop going to the places where they are, or to simply avoid the individuals themselves. Respect is ever so important, even just in friendship. If your friends cannot respect your relationship, then they do not respect you, and simply put... You can't change your friends, you can only change yourselves.

I wish you luck!

Diva

Let's go with an analogy, simply because I'm feeling eccentric --

Let's say a relationship is like a loveseat that the two of you are building together. For 3 months, you talk about what colors to use in the fabric, if it should be mauve or burgandy, if it should be overstuffed or lightly padded, if you should scotchguard to ward against those pesky wine stains... yadda yadda yadda.

Then, after those 3 months of conversations, she comes over to help you actually build it. She brings her half of the materials -- sturdy wood, solid nails, nice puffy padding -- but your boards have a few cracks and splinters, your nails are chipped and rusted and you accidentally left the padding on the porch overnight so it got a little soggy. But you two put it together anyway, and her half -- the half she offers you to sit on -- is perfectly comfortable and safe. Your half, however, wobbles and shakes when she sits and the rickety foundation your splintered wood provides is uncomfortable and feels unsafe to her. Unreliable. She doesn't trust it to hold her weight. Not to mention her ass is wet...

You get my point? Ok - so it wasn't the most brilliant analogy ever -- but it states my case fairly well. Your "petty fibs" are the rusty nails and cracked wood in the foundation of this relationship, and because of them, she doesn't know if she can trust this relationship, or you, to support her. It's only natural that she should ask for some time and space to see if you two can build a healthier, stronger foundation before she finally gives in and plops down on that loveseat. The only thing you can do is to prove by your words and your actions that you won't continue to be the splinter in the ass of this relationship -- Don't lie anymore. Prove your value as a partner, and keep on building your half of the loveseat.

Good luck!

Diva

Frankly, I think that's refreshing. So many people jump from relationship to relationship, never taking any time to stop and figure out what went wrong. If she is asking for time to heal, to consider the past, to fix what she can fix so she doesn't carry the baggage over into her next relationship, I think you should not only respect that, but be glad for it, because it means that she wants her next relationship to be healthier -- and if that relationship is with you, it will absolutely benefit you in the long-term.

It's hard to be patient when you see something you want, especially when that something is giving you some mixed signals, and/or signals you can read more into than is actually there. My advice to you is to back off as she's requested, take into consideration that she is attempting to heal so she can fully invest herself in the next relationship, and build the friendship portion of your relationship so that when she's ready, you two can decide together if you want to take it to the next level. In the meantime, date... don't stop your life because hers is stopped. If she is the right girl for you, time will reveal.

Good luck

Diva

All tough questions. First, let's talk about her. So, there is every chance in the world that the differences in your libido are natural, chemical and not situational. Also, please recognize that sexuality does ebb and flow. Sometimes life gets in the way of our natural sexual appetites and sometimes it will slack off and then pick up again. You may just be in the middle of some lean times.

But, here are a few questions to ask; Is your partner stressed out at work? Is she constantly on the go? Does she feel overwhelmed by daily tasks? Are there things you can do to help pick up the slack so she isn't tired all the time? From the sounds of your paragraph above, you are doing quite a lot to help - errands, cooking, cleaning, laundry and your own job. That sounds like quite a handfull, so perhaps helping her out more isn't either realistic or healthy for you. But, might there be ways she can slow down, absent of help from you? Perhaps if you sit down and talk with her, let her know that the level of stress she's under isn't just affecting her and ask her if she might consider re-evaluating the way she's doing things, see if there are more efficient ways to get her tasks done that might leave her with more time to relax and loosen up.

Is your partner not feeling good about her body or her self-image? Is she having esteem problems? Feeling unattractive? One of the main libido-killers is poor self-esteem. If we don't like our own bodies, it's easy to shut down the sexual side of ourselves rather than deal with any potential humiliation (self-induced or otherwise) that may come with being naked with our partners. If this is the case, there's nothing you can truly do to help aside from telling her how beautiful you think she is and/or encouraging her to take the steps she needs to take to feel better about herself, be it a fitness regimen or reading a book on loving yourself the way you are. Tell her you think she's beautiful every time you think it. And if you don't think it, start!

Building intimacy is also an important tool to rekindling romance. If you feel distanced from her sexually, start trying to be closer in other ways. What are her hobbies? Do you share common interests? Is she a fan of a certain author? If so, read one of their books and talk to her about it. Does she like a certain actress? If so, rent a couple of movies and bring them home to surprise her. Does she like surprises? Is she an outdoorswoman, but hasn't taken the time to indulge herself? Wake her up early one lazy saturday morning and take her out for a hike with a surprise picnic at the end. Romance her. Perhaps in the midst of all the growing intimacy, you'll find that either the sex will magically pick up, or you won't miss it as much as you thought you did.

Now, as for you and your libido, it may be time to start getting to know yourself a little better. There's something to be said for some good ol' self love. No one knows your body better than you do, and no one can push your limits the way that you can. Get kinky with yourself. Buy some toys, find your g-spot, explore anal play, see how many times you can get yourself *right there* and back away without going completely insane. Try tantric sex --- get yourself to cum without touching yourself. There's no end to the fun you can have solo, and perhaps building an active sexual life with yourself will find your sexual needs at least somewhat satiated so the patches between sex with your partner won't feel so long and dull.

Sexual incompatibility is an issue, yes... but eventually it comes down to priorities. Are the other benefits of your relationship with your partner worth the energy it will take to find a creative solution to meeting your sexual needs, or is an active and passionate sexual relationship enough of a priority for you that it will put a damper on the rest of the relationship and leave you wanting as a whole? Neither decision is the wrong one. You know what you need and you know the pros and cons of both. In either case, I encourage you to focus not on compromising on how many times per week you'll have sex, but to focus instead on finding a more long-term solution that will not have one of you feeling pressured and the other feeling neglected. It's a tough challenge, but it can be done if both partners are committed. Good luck!

Diva

So, in your case, my dear -- Hooking up with lots of other girls has become filler. Fluff. It does nothing but distract you from the task at hand, which is healing. The longer you focus outwardly on emotional band-aids and sexual distractions, the longer it will take you to work through this grieving process and come to terms with what you've lost, why you lost it and how to make sure it doesn't happen again (if that part is in your control, which - as we all know - it seldom truly is.)

People can sometimes rush too quickly from one thing to the next - never stopping to breathe, shake themselves out and take inventory after one of life's inevitably cruel lessons. One example of a rule I've given myself to avoid compulsive behavior is to never drink when I feel like I *need* to. Never to use drink, or anything else for that matter, as a tool for escapeism. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy drinking. But that's the key. I do it to experience pleasure, not to escape pain.

For you, these random hookups are your form of escapeism. They are blind graspings meant to pull you out of your mind for brief periods, but ultimately, you seem to be getting sucked back in because you've not yet dealt with the more pressing issues.

It's a process, sweet. And it's not always a fun one, but the reward will come when, after having learned the lessons you were meant to learn from your last dating experience, you take that new wisdom into the next and make that relationship all that much the better for it.

Stop. Relax. Breathe. Feel. Steel yourself and let some time pass before you jump into that pool of emotion again. It's the only way it will stop hurting. Good luck.

Diva